How Do I Live?
by piper maru duchovny
Summary: Not A Songfic! How does Brennan deal when Booth dies? I know, I know it's been done before and better. Please read.
1. Day One

**A/N: This is my first Bones fanfic. Also this was written on wordpad, in the wee hours of the morning so forgive the mistakes please. I was watching Bones Videos on Youtube and thinking about Booth's "death" and I just felt compelled to write this, even though it's been done and it's been done better.**

**Disclaimer: NOT MINE.**

Day One.

I turn off my alarm clock before it even beeps, I've been lying awake since three am this morning. I had managed to get a whole fourty-five minutes of sleep before a nightmare woke me up. Though this whole life feels like a nightmare right now. _Booth is gone. He's dead._ As a doctor, I get that. I realize that his body has ceased to exist, but the emotional side of my brain is telling me that this can't be real. I feel like a part of me is missing, like some vital connection is gone. It's not logical. _C'mon Bones you have to get out bed. Great, I'm calling myself Bones. _ I get up and force myself to walk to the bathroom and that takes almost all the energy I have. I lean heavily on the counter, my palms resting flat against the cold marble, I look at myself in the mirror and I look like a shadow.

"Dammit Booth. I needed you!" I exclaim as my knees give out, I hate admiting that I could need anyone. I'm strong, I am independent. How did I let myself get so dependant on my partner? _No tears. No tears. You will not cry. No._ As hard as I try a tear slides down my face. I sit crying on my bathroom floor for God knows how long before I manage to get myself into the shower. I scrub and I scrub but the image of his blood on my hands is permanently in my head ao I don't know if it's really gone or not, so I just keep scrubbing.

I get dressed and prepare to head to the lab. I grab a bottle of water, food is just not appealing right now. I can almost hear his voice telling me to eat, but I won't. I know that if I do, I'll get sick and I have to work right now. I have to be Dr. Temperance Brennan, if I allow myself to be Bones or just Temperance _I will fall apart. _I grab my coat and head down the stairs to my car.

Twenty-one minutes later I am sitting behind my desk at the Jeffersonian. I feel calm here, til I notice the picture of Booth, Parker and I at Parker's tee-ball game last summer. Booth talked me into coming to watch him coach and Parker play. I grab the framed picture and shove it in the bottom drawer of my desk where no one can find it and it's out of my line of sight.

The first one to find me is Cam, she stands in the doorway of my office, looking like she's cried the night away. "Dr. Brennan, I, I didn't expect to see you. How are you holding up?" Swallowing the lump in my throat I force out a "I'm fine Dr. Saroyan." She gives a curt nod and walks away.

Next is Angela and as much as I love her, it was completely predictable.

"Temperance go home." "No." "I know you're hurting sweetie, come on we'll go to your place and drown our sorrows in ice cream." "I'm fine Angela." "You know, you may be able to pull that on Cam, but I know better." "Angela. Leave. Me. Alone." I say through gritted teeth and she turns on her heel and exits the room. I feel bad, I know she really was just trying to help, but right now I don't want it. I am tempted to lock the door to my office, but Cam banned that since Angela and Hodgins got caught too many times.

Zack seems to stay away and I know he is handling things like me. He is my protege after all, I watch him work on the platform while I type reports.

I make it through lunch (not that I ate) til someone else bugs me. I was writing a proposal for my next book when Sweets comes to check on me. One would think that I am on suicide watch or something.

"Doctor Brennan how are you?"

"I'm fine Dr. Sweets."

"I think you're lying."

"Ya know what I have an appointment with you Tuesday but you are currently disrupting my work."

"Alright Doctor Brennan. I'll, uh see you then." He says and once again I am alone. I like being alone. I was alone all the time before I met Booth, _I never smiled either._

I am wrapping up for the day when there is a knock at my door, I look up expecting it's Hodgins with his platitude. Instead I am surprised when I see Rebecca standing there with Parker, the boy looks as bad as I feel and is clutching the robot Booth gave him for Christmas.

"I'm sorry Dr. Brennan but he asked to see you." Rebecca said in a voice ladden with emotion. I nod as tears threaten to spill out of my eyes.

I kneel down so I am at Parker's level and he walks over to me and I engulf him in a hug, unable to hold back our tears any longer we are both crying.

"I miss him Dr. Bones." He says as he cries on my shoulder.

"I miss him too Parker." I say and stroke his mess of curls.

"Do you think he's in Heaven with all the angels?" Parker asks and even though I don't believe in Heaven or Hell I nod my head.

"Yeah I do, Parker."

"Good." He says and wipes his tears on the back of his sleeve. I grab a kleenex from my desk and wipe them for him, "Dr. Bones?"

"Yes Parker?" I ask.

"Can I still come visit you?" I give him a sad smile, logically I would have to guess he is afraid of loosing someone who knew his Dad.

"You can come see me anytime you want." I tell him.

"C'mon Parker, we have to go see Uncle Jared and Grandma and Grandpa." Rebecca says from the door way and I can tell she is trying to hold it together for her son.

"Alright. I love you Dr. Bones." Parker says and hugs me one more time.

"I love you too Parker. I'll see you later okay?" I tell him and rough up his curls.

"Okay." He gives a wave and walks for the door.

I spend the next four hours working on various things, odds and ends I could put off but I need something to keep my hands busy and my brain from thinking. Finally at eleven thirty pm, I give up and pack up, heading for home. As I am in my car everything hits me again in a fresh wave of emotions. I sit in my car sobbing for nearly ten minutes before I am finally calm enough to turn the ignition and pull out of the parking space.

When I arrive home, I make my way inside, tossing my keys on the table. While walking down the hallway to my room I pull off my clothes until I am standing in my underclothes. I fall onto my bed and wrap my arms around the pillow, holding it close. I glance at the clock. Twelve - oh one am, I made it through the day without Booth.

One day down, now just the rest of my life.


	2. Day Two

**A/N: Sssh don't tell but Bones readers give more and better feedback than X-Files readers. And now I shall get shot, but oh well, that's life in the fanfic ghetto. Seriously what am I on? Anyways. Early Morning and No sleep. Also No spell checker or beta so my apologies**

**Disclaimer: Not fucking mine**

Day Two.

I sit staring at my alarm clock, I've been awake since my head hit the pillow last night. It's just now Five AM. I sit with my back flesh against my wooden headboard. My knees are curled up on my chest and I close my eyes again, trying to get a few moments rest, but everytime my eyelids close, even for a nano second, I have this out of body expierence. I can see me and my hand pressed against Booth's chest, I'm screaming at him and trying to stop the blood from flowing. I give up.

I toss back the sheet and go to the bathroom, I go through all the monotonous tasks in slow motion. I brush my teeth, take a shower, do my hair and even do my make up. I get dressed, putting on jeans and a longsleeve shirt, but then I rip the long sleeve shirt back over my head, it's too close to being the same thing I wore when Booth died. I pull on a tee-shirt and take a deep breath. _You have to eat Temperance. Your body is starting to shake._ I tell myself as I make my way to the kitchen. I prepare myself some toast and eggs while the coffee is brewing. Then I sit down at the kitchen table to enjoy my breakfast. _You can do this Temperance. Fork, cut, stab, take bite, chew, swallow, repeat. _

I finish my breakfast and I suddenly am at a loss of what to do with myself. Everywhere I look, everything is flooded with memories of Booth. Where we danced in the living room, to the table where we ate dinner, even the spot where I put out the fire after my fridge blew up makes me want to puke or break down and cry. This is not who I am. _This is not logical. _So Booth died, I deal with dead people everyday. There should be nothing different, but somehow it is. It's similar to when I found out my mother was dead, but different as well. Perhaps because I was prepared for her death, she had been gone for fifteen years and was well into her fifties. Booth, Booth was a thirty-two year old FBI Agent, who was in good health, by any standard he was far too young to die. I sigh and run a hand through my unruly curls. _I may have to move, or atleast redecorate._

I can't go to the lab today, I can't deal with the sympathetic glances and fake platitudes. It's not like they expect me to be there, they seem to think that I am fragile and can't work. Booth wouldn't think that, he'd expect me to just move on with my life, he would know that, that's what I have to do. _Then why can't I? _I sigh again, I have to work, I'll just do it from home. I need to write a new chapter for my book and maybe I can get some cleaning done.

By noon my entire apartment is so clean you could eat food off of the counter. _Floor Bones. Food off the floor. _ I hear Booth's gentle voice correcting me in my head. Though I seem to have captured a big case of writers block. My agent wanted to see more romantic scenes between Kathy and Andy, but I seem to be at a loss. I have truly lost my inspiration. What do I do? I think about calling Angela, but I remember I took my phone off the hook for a reason. I can't deal with them right now.

How do I kill some time? I can't stand this silence anymore. Suddenly, I remember. When I got my new TV, well the one that Booth picked out for me and I paid for and never watch, Booth also helped me pick out some DVD's. I walk over and sit on the floor, opening the cabinent that still holds all the DVD's wrapped in their plastic packaging. I glance over the titles and they are all foreign to me. I see a set of DVD's, they go to a TV show that Booth swore I would love. I pull the first season out and look at it. I remember Booth making a comment about us being like the main characters, _**"What do you want me to spit in my hand? We're Mulder and Scully"**_ I look at the faces on the front and I decide I'll give X-files a try. I put in the first disc, but it takes a while because I have no clue how this damn thing works.

A while later and I am enthralled by this TV show. The science is clearly faulty but I am enjoying the banter between the two main characters, What are their names... Sculder and Mully? No, that's not it, Scully and Mulder. There we go. It reminds me a lot of Booth and I and I understand why he made the comparison. I pause the disc to go the the bathroom and when I look in the mirror, I am shocked, my mascara is streaked clear down my face. I had been crying and I had no idea. I use the fascilities, wash my face and go back to the show.

At some point I must of fallen asleep out of pure exhaustion. I woke up and the screen on the TV was blue. I get up from my comfy spot on the couch and turn off the DVD player. I go to the kitchen and grab a carton of Chocolate Ice Cream, that has been in there since Michael left the last time. Grabbing a spoon, I pop the lid off and take a huge spoonful. I sit on the counter and wait for a brain freeze when I take a look at the clock.

11:59 pm.

Day Two down, How much longer can I do this?


End file.
